I can't think of a title

I don't know if I'm happy, miserable, or mad. I wish I wasn't the way I was, or else I'd never feel like this.
I feel like my whole earth's crashing, when it's really not. "Life sucks", I guess. I just feel I'll never be happy with one person. That every guy I may have feelings for, just wants me for sexual reasons. When I'm not even that attractive, my god.
I'm trying to resist talking to you. It's hard, but I'm doing it. Yet, I have to see you next weekend for my iPod. Sitting in that room again's probably going to be the hardest. Sometimes, when I sit in a room that gives me memories, I have flash backs, big time. Me, having flash backs in that room, just might tear me apart. Especially since, I know I'm nothing but a pain in your ass anymore.
I always push them away, when I'm trying to get closer. I'm desperate. That's the only word I can think of.

FML

Lately..

My emotions have been everywhere from up and down. I find it good. But yet annoying, and I want it to stop.

My birthday was amazing. Though I think it definitely could've been better. Of course it rains. &&a few of my guests couldn't come, or didn't show up. D:
Luckily we ate all the food we bought. So it was perfect. :)
I have the best, best friend in the world. I recall her telling me I have three surprises for me. The first one, was that she stuffed my locker with balloons. The second was, she gave my second hour a cupcake to give to me. :))))
Then finally after school, she brought me my gift. It had three things in it. A coloring book? A barbie doll???? And HSM3!! :D So you can guess which was my favorite. Lol. I'm kidding. I loved them all. Just cuz they're from her. (:
No one else would have done that for me. NONE of my old best friends would've done that. I guess I'm just lucky. :]
I love her. :D

I'm done with you. But I'm having dreams about you. It just sucks that I had to do this to myself. You're right.. I wish we never met. Then this would've never happened. Too bad you treat my like shit now. I'm used to it, unfortunately.

YOU.. on the other hand annoy the shit out of me. There's nothing to say other then, you have the feeling constantly to do everything I do. Which is why I never talk to you anymore. Because you'll always find a way to do the same things I do. Having sex isn't cool. And you shouldn't do it just because I did. Just.. stop. My god.

Six more days till school's out. And I'm just counting down. But at the same time, I'd rather be in school then be here everyday. Oh well, I'm getting Kayla out of her house.. and she's getting me out of mine.
Sucks I have to go to Maine. I really really really really really really really really don't want to go.
FML

Tomorrow

Is going to be amazing? So I hope. I'm supposed to get a big surprise from Kayla, when it's probably not that big. Lol. And she says, "Oh, you'll probably cry. You'll love me forever." Haha, hopefully she's right. :)
I redyed my hair, because it was fading,and you could see my previous mess. xD
I got all the crap I need for the party.. and Haley and Allysha are 99% sure they're coming. I finally told them both off, that I'm tired of the drama. And that if they dont' come, then I don't care. But Haley apologized and said she's coming for me. Pinky swear.
I never break pinky swears. And they mean a lot to me. I'll be pissed if she breaks it. But I don't thinks he will. I just hope this party's amazing. I cleaned like a mofo today till I sweat. And the place looks really nice so far. Just needs a little more cleaning tomorrow after school. Because no doubt, the boys'll trash the place when they get home tonight. What else is new?
The thing that's making me kind of sad though is, tomorrow's the Special Olympics at school. And a lot of people are participating, like Kayla. And a lot of others are skipping because as it is, no one's going to be in class. And I don't want to skip my birthday. So I'm going to be a little lonely tomorrow walking in the halls. D: Oh well, later, after school Kayla comes ASAP.. and we get ready for the party. We have about 500 water balloons to fill. I'm pissed though, because the kitchen sink doesn't have a screw on it, so I can't put the water filler thing on it. Me and Kayla are going ot have to take turns with the hose. laskdfjlasd. Oh well.. we'll figure something out. We always do :)

Going to rinse my hair dye out.

Tomorrow!<3
:D

Do you care?

I just spilled something so hard to tell you out, and you have nothing to say?
And I try to talk to you about it. And you still don't do anything about it?
I don't know, I'm too the point of giving up. When I really don't. I know it's what YOU want though. But if you want to hurt me, then I'll leave.

The party's this close to being cancelled.. But not really.
Just STOP CAUSING DRAMA BEFORE THE PARTY'S EVEN STARTED.
Thanks for making my birthday amazing.<3

not.

There's nothing much to say really;

What can I say for today?;

My Mondays are never that bad.. except for the fact that I found out that I've turned into a royal bitch because I hang out with Kayla. Well sorry, I'm not giving up my best friend, just to make everyone happy. Maybe I'm a bitch because you annoy the fuck out of me. Or maybe it's because I'm stubborn.. but I've always been like that. So. It doesn't make a difference.

Love on the other hand.. is gone. I used to think that "Friends with benefits" was stupid. But if it's what I have to do to get any love out of him, I'm taking it. So that's what we came to the conclusion with. It's not as bad as what I THOUGHT it was.. because of a certain past experience. At least I'm not "friends with benefits" with half the school. Just one person.
This won't hurt me, nor will I fall for him. Just keeping things sane. Because I'm tired of crying. After I thought I couldn't cry anymore.

My birthday's Friday. And I'm really really excited. A good chunk of people are coming. Maybe minus two, if they keep up the bitching with me. They can also find their own fucking ride home. Because I'm sick of doing them that favor when they're going to sit there and blame my best friend for me becoming a bitch. News Flash! You annoy me.. so see above ^^.
Anyways.. that's besides the point.. All my good friends there.. with 3/4 of them staying the night. Though I'm scared I'll be the first one to fall asleep. xD I'm sure I'll get a good slap in the face. Maybe I'll take a stay awake pill. Shh.. Lol :). I just wish George would come. That'd make my birthday #1. 15-20 People there. It's a party!! And I'm excited. Many people are getting me gifts. Like Kayla's boyfriend. I think it's really sweet of him. :)

Life's okay right now. <3


Hey, I guess I did have a good chunk of crap to say. :D

It's Calm

I think that things right now are okay. I'm just going to ignore every little thing that could bother me. Because I'm sick of the hurt, and the complaints. But I'm still being disappointed daily.
But it's going to have to be something I get used to. I'm not wanted around anyone anymore. Because I'm a whore, fake, and a bitch. So. Why should people take the time to hang around that?
Every day I'm rejected more. So, I'm just kind of to the point to where I give up on everything, and friends. Just, "ruin my life". Because I don't see how trying will help anymore.

Now, if only he knew how I'd respect his distance, and just be friends. It would be hard to resist you.
But I can handle it, because I don't want him to hate me.

I'm cautious about everything now.
I can never get things that'll make me happy personality wise.

Oh well.

I'm Trying

It isn't easy, baby. I'll be trying to come up with outlets to stop thinking about you. But everytime I'll walk into that town, I'll think of nothing but you. Walking over that bridge. And going to the post office. I'd never think I could make that many memories with someone in just one day. I'm disappointed I have to move on. But it's for your own benefit. I'll admit that I am hurt. But not as bad as I could be. I haven't cried. And I won't; I want to make sure you know I'm okay. But please, baby.. come back to me some other day. Please.

Can you find it possible to fall for someone as special as him?
There's nothing else for me to write about. Because there's nothing else on my mind. I'm trying to get over it. Help me? I take that back. Don't bother. Because nothing you'll do will help.

Let me just sit and weep.
It'll be over.

Is It That Much Of A Wonderful World?

Not the greatest day. Every voice I hear, I want to stop. iPod's not allowed in school? Fuck that, I needed it, to just escape. I couldn't handle it at all.
I have probably 9438534 different things pissing me off.
1.) I need him. But we're drifting already. He doesn't want me, even for not wanting a relationship.
2.) I can't invite a certain person to my party, because it'll be too uncomfortable. I wish they'd grow the fuck up. It's creeping me the fuck out. But I feel bad for not inviting them. But a bunch of freshman? No. It's not happening. Sorry.
3.) The end of the year's coming, and I still don't have my grade up in World History. When I've gotten a bunch of A's on shit. I hate Mr. Naveaux. He sucks at his job. I lost the note I wrote for cheating on my test so I can pass it, and maybe get my grade up. So I had to make my life even more difficult, and use my study guide and hide it under my leg. Fuck that.
4.) I've gotten blown off maybe 3 different times today? And people just aren't listening to me when I'm talking to them. Even my own best friend wouldn't listen to me when she even ASKED what was wrong. I tell her, and she doesn't say anything? Oh cool. And then I get the shit dropped on my head because the twins had to wait a whole ten minutes for my mom. OH MY. "We're just getting a ride from Cora, because we don't want to wait." Oh, gee thanks. Asshole.
5.) THERE'S NO FUCKING FOOD IN MY HOUSE. FML.

I'm pissed at the world. No one gets it. No one.
And all you assholes reading this thinking, "0MG LYKE SH35 5000000 DR4M47!C!" Fuck you.
Don't care what you have to say. This is my place to talk, not yours.
Kbye.

Hero Heroine

You don't understand. And I don't think you ever will. I believe people like you and I can fall in love in just a weekend. I think it's possible. I believe in anything. When I want something, I don't stop until I get it. You're everything I've been looking for. You push my hair out of my face, and kiss my forehead, instead of always kissing my lips. You hold me when I feel I'm going to cry. You cry with me. You laugh with me. You're so close to being someone I can't break apart from that easily. Though I'm not getting my hopes up. I don't want you to think you hurt me.
I can never stop thinking about you. It's interupting my daily activities. It doesn't bother me.
Am I falling in love for the first REAL time?
With someone who doesn't treat me like dirt. Who calls me beautiful instead of sexy. And cares for how I feel, and doesn't say, "I don't care."

I don't know.
My mind is racing at about 150 miles per hour. I can't make it stop, because you're the one in control of it. I give up at trying to stay away from you. Because I find it physically impossible for me.

If I sound obssesive, it's who I am. And sooner or later I'll die down. But I just want you. I'm falling, and I need to know if I should stop, or fall all the way. I know I love you, but I want to be in love. I'm about 90% sure, I want this.
But do you want me?
That's the question that's scarying me.

It's too late baby, there's no turning around
I got my hands in my pocket and my head in a cloud
This is how I do
When I think about you
I never thought that you could break me apart
I keep a sinister smile and a hold of my heart
You want to get inside
Then you can get in line
But not this time
Cause you caught me off guard
Now I'm running and screaming
I feel like a hero and you are my heroine
I won't try to philosophize
I'll just take a deep breath then I'll look in your eyes
This is how I feel
And it's so surreal
I got a closet filled up to the brim
With the ghosts of my past and their skeletons
And I don't know why
You'd even try
But I won't lie
You caught me off guard
Now I'm running and screaming
I feel like a hero and you are my heroine
Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?
And I feel a weakness coming on
It never felt so good to be so wrong
Had my heart on lockdown
And then you turned me around
And I'm feeling like a newborn child
Every time I get a chance to see you smile
It's not complicated
I was so jaded
And I feel a weakness coming on
It never felt so good to be so wrong
Had my heart on lockdown
And then you turned me around
And I'm feeling like a newborn child
Every time I get a chance to see you smile
It's not complicatedI was so jaded

May Is Magical

Have you ever thought things were never going to work out? Like your whole life is fucked just because of maybe one or two incidents you may have had? I have. And that feeling's gone away 99.9% now. Now, it's as if someone's always by my side. Whether it's my best friend, my mom, or the boy I'm falling for, big time :). I have a wall full of pictures of my past, and present. Gazing at them, makes me remember how much I'm cared for, and that my life can never be as bad as it used to be. I'm strong and independent now, and can handle anything without tears falling down my face constantly.
I don't know, I guess I've been feeling very strong, and confident lately. That's not bad is it? I didn't think so.